Scene Two

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Scene Two
Scene Two

Curtains open as The Mad Hatter exits stage, to reveal The Red Queen standing center stage, back to the audience, the orchestra begins to play Mozart, symphony No. 40, the queen turns round, a fan over her face, only her eyes visible, fluttering her oversized eyelashes over the top of it. She begins to act accordingly to the music, giving regal waves to the audience and acting very posh and typically queen like, but the music is suddenly interrupted by Simply The Best by Tina Turner, and The Red Queen throws her fan to one side of the stage and begins dancing. When the song fades out she begins to talk to the audience.

The Red Queen:
(stares at audience for ages)
…Is this a staring competition or something? …Hello everyone.

Audience responds

The Red Queen:
You can do better than that. I said Hello everyone.

Audience responds.



The Red Queen:
Oh my you are a depressing bunch… it’s like you’re not even trying. I SAID. HELLO EVERYONE!

Audience responds

The Red Queen:
Alright, alright, there’s no need to shout! …Peasants. I am your queen, as you very well know. How could anyone in this wide world not know of the great Red Queen?! As your queen, I expect only the best from all of you. So when I enter I want nothing but applause and excited cheering… Do you understand me? Good… now… let’s practice shall we? I’ll go off and come on again, and when I do, I expect the sounds of adoring fans! Cheer nice and loudly now! (exits and re-enters)

Audience reaction

The Red Queen:
No, no, NO! You call that adoration?! I feel about as loved as a bag of potatos. This simply will not do! Once more from the top! (exits and re-enters again)

Audience reaction.

The Red Queen:
Oh that’ll have to do I suppose! As your queen, I think it only appropriate that I see my servants… LIGHTS UP. (Claps hands and then lighting bring up audience lights) OH GOOD GOD. NO, LIGHTS DOWN. LIGHTS DOWN!! (Lights go down again) Well, that was… hideous! I never knew my kingdom had such… interesting faces… and my interesting, I mean UUUUUGGGGGLLLLLLYYYYY! (Walks across stage to look to member of audience) What’s your name then you funny looking thing? (Interrupts before they can say anything) Don’t care, more about me now! I am The Red Queen and I am the Queen of all of Wonderland! Every last blade of grass belongs to me, and so do all of you! (points to various members of audience) and you, you, you and y- ooo… I definitely own you… you see me at the end.
Anyway, my loyal peasants and peasantetts, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, how on earth does a woman as beautiful as our queen not have a husband?! Oh well it’s a terribly long story and I won’t bore you with it… OH WELL OKAY THEN, IF YOU INSIST!
You see, I did have a husband, but I’m afraid I lost him, many years ago…

Audience ‘awws’


The Red Queen:
I still can’t find him anywhere! Well… perhaps it was for the best anyway, the only thing we had in common was that we were married on the same day… sometimes I used to watch the wedding video backwards to see myself leave the church a free woman… oh my… being a woman is so much hard work, sometimes I wish I was a man… (dramatic pose) Oh, you see, now you’ve made me all upset… (sits down, looking fed up) there’s only one thing that’ll cheer me up, and that’s stroking my pussy… cat. (Points at audience) Get your minds out of the gutter you urchins… KITTTTTTTTTTTYYYYY!!

The Cheshire Cat:
(Enters from back of the stage) Hello my frienddzzz…

The Red Queen:
KITTY! So good to see you! Come, come now dear, don’t be talking to the common people. You might catch something!

The Cheshire Cat:
Oh queeny, please do be quiet, why should you have all the fun. I’ll only be quick!
(walks down through the audience)
Hello everybody, my names Cheshire Cat, call me Chess, Chessy, Shire, Cat, Kitty (sits on audience member) or as this one over here prefers to call me...’PUSSY’. (continues down the stairs) Now I’m around 5.10 in height, love to climb trees, have all nine lives left, can land on both of my feet, love to be bad, I drink milk after a long day, watch and catch mice, love them roasted, they’re lovely, you should all try it! Hate furballs, dogs, people, goodies, and uncunning plans, you see I’m a very cunning kitty! Any questions?! No? Okay. Moving on.
(jumps onstage and sits by the queen) what’s the matter queenie?

The Red Queen:
(stroking the Cheshire Cat’s back) Oh cheshy, it’s dreadful! Sometimes it’s just so difficult being me! Being so beautiful! So intelligent, so powerful, so important! So…

The Cheshire Cat:
Modest?

The Red Queen:
Exactly!

The Cheshire Cat:
Don’t worry your overly sized head about it my dear, I’m sure things are bound to get better soon! I’m sure we’ll hear some good news eventually…

The Red Queen:
Oh that’s just the problem, it’s always good news… “News just in! The weather is lovely in wonderland! Newsflash! No trouble over wonderland! Latest news! Everything is perfect in wonderland!” Oh doesn’t it just make you sick kitty.

The Cheshire Cat:
To my feline stomach your majesty. Allow me to rephrase that, perhaps we’ll hear some bad news eventually…

The Red Queen:
Oh cheshy, I do hope so.

Captain Hook and The Evil Stepmother enter stage right, bickering over one another.

Evil Stepmother:
Look, I don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here, but I’ve had quite enough of your nonsense! If you don’t hand my magical wish granting fairy back over to me right now, I will give you such a slap.

Hook:
I don’t know what you’re talking about! We didn’t take any fairy! Did we Smee… Smee? SMEE!

Smee runs after them, and straight into Captain Hook

Smee:
Sorry Captain, sir! I got lost.

Hook:
Nevermind that Smee, tell this basket case that we didn’t steal her fairy… thing.

Smee:
WE DIDN’T STEAL YOUR FAIRY… thing.

All three characters begin to bicker over each other until everything just sounds like noise.

The Red Queen:
OI!!!
(All goes silent)
HOW DARE YOU ENTER THE PRECENSE OF A QUEEN WITHOUT BEING GIVEN PERMISSION TO DO SO! EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!
All three characters continue to talk at once

The Red Queen:
ONE! AT! A! TIME!

Evil Stepmother:
Well, your…

The Red Queen:
Highness!

Evil Stepmother:
Highness… one moment I am living in my own story land, alongside my ghastly stepdaughter Cinderella and our magical Fairy Godmother, and then next, we’ve all been thrown into Wonderland, and I’m left wandering around with this one handed thief and his bumbling accomplice. They’ve stolen my fairy and hidden her away, I know they have!

Hook:
We did no such thing! The exact same thing has happened to us! One minute I was sharpening my hook, preparing to finally beat Peter Pan! (everyone on stage sniggers) …and the next thing I know, myself and Smee were blown away into Wonderland!

Smee:
It’s true! ‘e nearly took my eye out with his hook… again.

The Cheshire Cat:
It would seem… there has been some bad news in Wonderland after all your majesty!

The Red Queen:
What do you mean chessy, explain?!

The Cheshire Cat:
Well word on the street has it that that spoilt brat Alice has been ripping pages out of story books whilst having a temper tantrum! It would seem those rumours were true, and all the characters have been thrown from their stories into this one!

The Red Queen:
Oh what wonderful news, I love choas! Letting all these characters loose in wonderland, I’ll have her head for this! I do love a good beheading to start my day! That should cheer me up!

Evil Stepmother:
That’s it? That’s all you’re going to do?!

The Red Queen:
Yes… why? Do you think I should I chop her feet off too?

Evil Stepmother:
No you fool. Don’t you see… those pages are still out there in wonderland!

The Red Queen:
…you want me to chop the pages feet off? I didn’t think pages had feet…

Evil Stepmother:
No! Think about it woman! Those pages are still out there in wonderland, and if we had those pages we could…?

The Red Queen:
…Chop… their feet off?

Evil Stepmother:
No, no, no! Those pages are still out there in wonderland, and if we had those pages we could rule all of the…

The Red Queen:
…feet?

Evil Stepmother:
ALL OF THE STORIES. WE COULD RULE ALL OF THE STORIES WOMAN!

The Red Queen:
I’ve just had a brilliant idea everyone! Those pages are still out there in wonderland, and if we had those pages we could rule all of the stories!

The Cheshire Cat:
…wonderful idea queenie, however did you think of it…

The Red Queen:
Very well then, this is what we shall do! As of now you are all officially hired! We shall begin our search for the pages immediately!


Smee:
Don’t I get a say in any of this?

All but Smee:
No.
Like ·  · Follow post · 3 September 2011 at 16:09

Abbi Ellingworth HAYLEY I FUCKING LOVE THIS.. so panto :')
3 September 2011 at 16:23 · Like

Hayley Quinn Cooper THANK YOU :DDDD
3 September 2011 at 16:23 · Like

Abbi Ellingworth the evil queens speech is amazing, its like the dames and the evils monologues together.. pure amazingness! :')
3 September 2011 at 16:30 · Like

Hayley Quinn Cooper Ahaha thank you :D i'm so glad you like it!
3 September 2011 at 16:30 · Like